Open The Box And Get The Saffron To Heal Me

A Festival With A Twist

Now as a break from all my sappy and tear jerking posts, I am writing this blog as an entry to a very exciting contest by AirPhil Express. Read on.

I was asked why I want to join and experience the Lanzones Festival in Camiguin?

This is a no-brainer for me. I am a true blooded adventurer!

And why not?! Aside from the fact that Lanzones is my second favorite fruit (next to mango), it is also the source of livelihood for the Camiguinians. This feast will be their thanksgiving celebration for the harvest of the year. This is a once in a lifetime experience and I definitely do not want to miss it!

If I will be taking part in this festival, my eyes will savor the beautiful decorations made of lanzones leaves hanging from the houses, carriages, and street poles. I will be able to join street dances of townspeople and the loud music that you can normally see in provinces outside of Manila, but experiencing it in the enchanting city of Camiguin, that will absolutely be a first for me. My camera will have great shots stored on it once again.

My friends and I went to Cagayan de Oro to visit a friend last year and because of the bad weather, we weren’t allowed to go to Camiguin Island. They said that it would be risky because of the water rapids. So with loud sighs and obvious disappointment, my friends and I figured out a way to enjoy the trip. There’s a lot to do! Like white water rafting and shopping at the night market. We took in the view of the shrine, went to the beach, and joined the town celebration on the streets during the time. I had fun but I left feeling that I missed something. And that was Camiguin.

So if I will be given a free plane ticket to visit Camiguin and join a famous festival, that will be a dream come true! Not only will my uncle be very proud of me to see the things he didn’t see during his time, I will also be very proud of myself for proving that I can write about something I really, really want. To be rewarded for it will be a plus!

This is me joining the festivities in CDO!

  ”Experience MassKara Festival, Hermosa Festival and Lanzones Festival this October. Airphil Express flies daily to BACOLOD, ZAMBOANGA and CAGAYAN DE ORO from Cebu and Manila. Visit www.airphilexpress.com to book!”

Damn Cliché

“You never really know what you have until you lose it.”

This line has gone through my mind for the past couple of days. Finally, I understood what it meant. Life is tricky the way it works. It creeps up on you and bangs your head to the wall and makes you stop and say…what have I done?!

It’s the ultimate regret to finally get something you didn’t know you wanted, lose it and then realize exactly how priceless it was. It’s the utmost test to your sanity. How are you going to deal with losing something you have been looking for for almost half of your life? How is that going to change your perspective? Your positivity, your negativity? Frankly, it gets tiring. You can give up. Wallow in self pity and tell yourself you’re a gonner.

Or you can choose to move on. Let the tears flow from time to time when it hits you. And it will hit you, real hard. When you’re in the middle of a speech, you’ll go blank. It will bring you down, rock bottom. These moments you can never escape from because it is embedded deep down where you can’t reach, where it won’t heal, where it will stay. A reminder that you made a huge mistake and all this time you’re putting the pieces back still. You can choose to move on and live with the regret.  

Now I recognize where I went wrong. Although I cannot go back to correct it, I’ve decided to learn from it. Try not to do the same damn mistakes. I will burst into tears for no reason at all but I know I will be okay. My day will be gloomy when I wake up, but I know things will be alright.

Funny how a common cliché could change my perspective. Things will never be the same now. Never.

Music in my background

Baby Mine

Alison Krauss

Unnecessary Heartache

Why are there a lot of men who confuse the most stable women in their lives? I don’t know. Is it a joke to them, is it a past time? Do they really enjoy weaving a web of lies or the thrill of the ride? I will always wonder about this.

Lately I am being reminded of this person in my past who, for a short time made me smile, made me cry, and made me numb. I learned my lesson but there’s still a mystery in the story that I never got to unravel. Did he really love me? I will never know. In fact, I don’t really care.

We worked together under the same company. His name was Tom. (that’s a coverup lol) Anyway, he started to hang around our group and learned a bit about each other. He has a girlfriend at the time, a long time girlfriend which everyone at work knew about, was friends with everyone. I never met her, she went to the UK by the time I met Tom. My sister was close to him. He would tell my sister about how he fell in love with her, walking across the room, looking like an angel. He would tell her about them falling in love and started planning their lives. How she would go to the UK and Tom would follow, get married there and live happily ever after.

These same dreams, he shared with me. It was all fun at the time. We went out, we see each other secretly. I even got to the point where I went to his house in the rain, to tell him I was sorry for being mad at him … something I would never imagine doing. Geez! (I was mad at him because I waited for him for an hour so we can date, and his excuse was he got distracted by the basketball game) Ha!

One time, I brought him home to meet the family. They loved him, his silly jokes and contagious laugh. They loved him and thought he would be good enough. My sister hated him. She knew what kind of guy would do that. I didn’t care what my sister thought. I was happy. She should be happy for me right?

We talked about our situation sometimes. I asked him, “what do you plan to do with me?” He would shrug his shoulders, made his eyes all teary and they would well up right on cue as he opened his mouth and said, “I don’t know. I don’t love her anymore. I love you. I wanna be with you. I’m just waiting for her to leave me, to let me go.” 

I would hold on to those words, it sounded like promises to me, though he never made them so. They were just created for me to hold on to.

And meekly I held on, wondering when the day will be when he would finally decide to choose me. I was waiting and waiting, blinded and deaf from everyone staring in disbelief and people talking around me.

I told myself he didn’t have to choose tomorrow. I will MAKE him choose me NOW. I can’t wait any longer. 

So I did everything I could to become the perfect girl. I didn’t care what other people think. I would wait for him for an hour at our secret meeting place, I would pick up his clothes after basketball, I would bring him food, I would fight with my sister whenever she tells me not to see Tom anymore, I leave my friends at lunch to go sit with him, sneak out of the house to see him, even use my friends and tell everyone I’m going with them, when in fact I’m with Tom. It was a whirlwind. A web of lies and guilt and lies again. I didn’t care.

To cut the story short, he never decided. I got tired. I left.

And when I left, I never looked back.

What was left of me? I didn’t give myself up (thank God!) but I gave a lot. An awful lot.

So what was left? A wounded career. A few friends who hated me. A broken, traumatized heart hiding in a poker face whenever I see him. He would find ways to talk to me but it was always easy to have my old friends back, they helped me escape his sweet words of nothing. 

His words, they are nothing to me now. I see them as ways of men to trick you into thinking they’re all emotional about you when in fact, they couldn’t care less. I felt so stupid, falling for someone who’s already committed to someone else. I said I would never do it again. Eventhough I didn’t know the girl, she had him first. I wouldn’t compete with that. I deserve to be the one and only too.

I know it is hard to imagine leaving when you are in love, but you gotta ask yourself, is there really something waiting for you in the end? If the guy really wants you, wouldn’t he take you NOW, and not wait for somebody else to let go of him? You got to ask yourself, is this the guy I really deserved? Someone who cannot even stand up to the guilt of breaking a long term relationship in replacement of a better one?! Chances are, he doesn’t think YOU are the better one. Am I right?

I know all these, even when I was in the relationship (if you’d like to call it that) I knew this because my sister, my friends, the girlfriend’s friends have all talked to me about it. They were good people who cared about me, and during the time, I thought they were just making my life miserable. I couldn’t thank them enough for nagging me out of it, even when I wouldn’t listen.

So to everyone who’s thinking it’s okay to be the GIRL of a COMMITTED guy, think again.

Whatever happened to Tom? He went to the UK, married the girl, lived happily ever after.

Good for him.

Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. I keep looking back, heaving a sigh at every memory. I do that, even when I’m with somebody new, even when I’m okay. In fact, I remember you mostly when I am happy, when I feel content, and experiencing new things.

I remember all of it.

And lately there’s this unfamiliar twinge of guilt that I cannot understand, or accept. The feeling of wishing you were with me too, seeing things, doing stuff, and being happy. It’s hard to admit but I guess this is the part that you feel you lost something big and you can’t take it back anymore. The big regret I didn’t want to accept.

The one that got away…because I let it slip off my grip, fully conscious and equally stupid.

I wish I could turn back the pages of my life, go back to where we left off, get another chance for a do-over.

I don’t want to hurt any more people and I know that you won’t take me back, our pinkie promise. Once you let go, you let go. But damn I wish I never made that oath. Damn I wish I didn’t tire of us. I wish I didn’t anything.

Here I am in the middle of nowhere, wondering where to go, what to do, now that I’m without you. Groping for the next hand to help me up whenever I fall and scratch my knees. I let it bleed and let the life out slowly as I live on. This life is all my own, and I’m bored. I live on but this life ain’t that much it seems. I had a lot of expectations about this life without you, but I guess it was all fairy tale.

I guess I envy your contentment. I envy your stone cold heart that now belongs to someone else, lucky gal.

And I envy the dead because they have the peace I long for.

Snow On The Sahara

Only tell me that you still want me here

When you wander off out there

To those hills of dust and hard winds that blow

In that dry white ocean alone

Lost out in the desert,

you are lost out in the desert

But to stand with you in a ring of fire

I’ll forget the days gone by

I’ll protect your body and guard your soul

From mirages in your sight

Lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track

I’ll be the moon that shines in your path

The sun may blind your eyes, I’ll pray the skies above

For snow to fall on the Sahara

If that’s the only place where you can leave your doubts

I’ll hold you up and be your way out

And if we burn away, I’ll pray the skies above

For snow to fall on the Sahara

Just a wish and I will cover your shoulders

With veils of silk and gold

When the shadows come and darken your heart

Leaving you with regret so cold

Lost out in the desert

She was wise

So maybe it was too early to say that I did well. That I did great. I probably didn’t.

My mom used to tell me, don’t dream too high, you just might not get your wish and you’ll fall a lot harder. I said to her, why don’t you want me to dream? And if I’m going to dream, should’t I be dreaming for the best? She used to tell me, you’ll see later on.

She was wise.

Now I have fallen from grace. Everything I ever worked for, I lost. Everything I ever had, I lost in an instant. It was a couple of circumstance that lead from one thing to another, hoping to break me down. Finally I did.

And all I can think of now are her words of wisdom. How she told me my dreams will just hurt me. It feels like crap.

She was wise. But then she was wrong.

Little setbacks have never stopped me before. That’s what’s great about facing life, you gotta move on. I got past them all.

And what about this one big obstacle staring me right to the face?! Just like all the other setbacks I will face it. Nothing can stop me now.

Mom, you were wise. But you didn’t know one thing about me. I am stronger than you think. And I will make it. Wait and see.

I have always thought that loving someone means that you must love the person as a whole. That you accept them for what they are, their faults, their weakenesses. That you take for granted the little things that make them inconsistent. That you can’t expect them to be everything you wished for.

With a number of repeated mistakes, I have come to learn this truth. And so I try my best. To no longer yearn for something that the person doesn’t have. I no longer wish for them to change, in order to fit my lifestyle. I take the effort to make things work for both of us.

And that’s it. Everything will just fall into place perfectly.

It could.

It might.

Oh God, I hope it would.

Just Love

Is it possible to get the perfect relationship, the one that’s especially made for you, the one where everything you get is exactly what you wanted? Is it possible to get something like that?

At some point, you or your partner would fall short but what makes it perfect is that both of you are more than ready to make things work.You may get in trouble, the other might make mistakes, but you can smooth it out with just a few words, a little nod, a little smile and a hug… Things are back to normal.

You finally found someone who accepts you as you are, who dreams your dreams with you, who would be willing to step in the death circle for you, who takes care of you even when everyone else has left, who would admit to a crime for you, who would wake up each day and look you in the eye to tell you how happy they are to have you?

One in a million chance. And I think I may have found it.

What’s unbelievable is how a person can let go of something like that? Could there be at least one good reason in this world why any sane person will let go of something everyone else is looking for?

Why did I let go?

Love? Just love. Impossible, but true. Anyway it’s a long story.

If I Sit And Wait

Waiting has never been my greatest asset. I feel that sitting down or counting sheeps or dreaming in my sleep is of no use until you move, until you don’t notice time moving with you.

She said I had to slow down. And I wanted to, believe me. I am tired of trying to run so fast, tripping and getting back up. I’m so damn tired of the whole cycle. She said I had to take a moment and enjoy what lies now, the present, the things that I can touch and see and taste and feel, now. There will be time for me tomorrow. She said for me to wait.

So I wait.

And I wait.

The ticking of the clock is too loud in my ears. My wristwatch seems to be broken because there’s no way I would have slept away four hours of my precious life. My tummy aches and I had to eat things and gain more lines on that damn weight machine. I stop and I see everything that I missed, everything I can’t have. I think too much.

I stop and everything else moves. I get left behind. I’ve been left behind so many times before and it just doesn’t make sense waiting around for something to push me again. I can’t. There’s nobody else left but me. I gotta push me.

But for now, I’m tired. Too tired to move. Too chicken to leave things again, when I’ve invested too much emotion. When I’ve decided to stop and hang around. When I started believing things might work out here. 

Right here.

Looks okay to everyone else. Hmmm….

But what scares me more is when I start to feel the ground I’m standing on shaking a little too much, a little too often. I just might get the jitters and run away from everything I ever cared for. Chicken I know. But I don’t want to feel. I wanna keep running. Just move and run away.

Until I don’t feel anymore. Until I don’t care. Until I’m back in the cycle. Where I don’t feel anything. Because time flies faster, where I don’t gain too much weight, where I don’t hurt myself as much. Where I am numb.

Ah life. It’s all about moving on right? So why wait?

Music in my Background:

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing  and To the sea by Jack Johnson